Flirting by text changes the game

12:00 AM CDT on Thursday, March 19, 2009

LEAH SHAFER | GIRL TALK | QUICK

Once upon a time, I drunkenly texted my then-boyfriend a sexy message, telling him jokingly that I was wearing assless chaps and that he should come over and see them for himself.

Except I sent the text to the wrong number. A stranger texted me back, asking, “Who IS this?”

Well, that was embarrassing.

But flirting via text message, or “flirtexting,” as it has been dubbed, is well ingrained in our mobile culture and is fast becoming a standard feature in relationship building and maintenance.

Lindsay Graham, 35, says we should define “flirtexting.”

“The mere fact that I have a girl’s number means we’ve progressed past the, ‘hey, I’m interested and available’ flirt – that happens at the party or the bar,” he said. “Text flirting is more of a means to continue to advertise your, uh, assets as a potential boyfriend/ girlfriend/wife/husband/mate.”

Is there an etiquette to follow?

“Never has brevity been the soul of wit more than in texting,” he said. “These are the love notes of the new millennium, the small, secret conversations that catch you by surprise, steal your breath and advertise to everyone around you that you’ve got a new love interest, because no one smiles so broadly at their phone unless it’s a text flirt.”

Graham is right on, according to a new book about just this very thing, called Flirtexting: How to Text Your Way to His Heart, by Olivia Baniuszewicz and Debra Goldstein. The book defines flirtexting as “any text message sent between you and a boy you would like to date or are currently dating (i.e.: someone you would like to make out with or are currently making out with).

“These texts usually contain flirty, witty banter that typically leads to a date and, if you’re lucky, much, much more.” So maybe it should be called “sexting?”

“I flirt with my husband over text,” said Plano resident Elizabeth Parks, 32. “It’s a nice way to remind him of me and that when he gets home, there will be fun times.”

My “assless chaps” text certainly fell into the sexting category, and it seems that many people use it to imply the possibility of naked time with another.

Baniuszewicz and Goldstein call flirtexting “a significant courting channel in our prime dating days,” and the book offers tips for doing it right, including when to put the phone down and interact with the real humans in front of you.

“I get caught up in it sometimes – it’s so addicting, sending out these messages to a hot guy,” said Sarah Carver, 21.

Leslie Moore, 49, said her flirtexting tends to be “cute and funny. [There are] lots of :- ) and :-0. Now and again the random … (dot dot dot),” she said.

So I’m certainly more careful about both my flirtexting and sexting these days, and more savvy, too. I would never offer just assless chaps as an incentive for my boyfriend to come and visit me. Perhaps something more straightforward. And slightly less weird.

Contact Leah at lashafer@gmail.com.